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The Woman I am

July 19, 2008


hello dear friend….dear fellow…

I am boldly being heard today. i don’t know how to take it. i promised to not delete. but then again deleting makes thing better. i don’t have the courage to do it right the first time around… maybe because secretly, I know that i can… and that scares me more than failing. weird.

well. I’m choosing now… to no longer speak of vices like they are a bad thing. are they really? were they ever, really? i don’t think so. everything happens to teach you to see something you have not yet seen, or wanted to see. i have been blinded by lies for a long time. maybe because lies help you to not hear the truth. truths can be ugly…

are they really? i don’t know.

take hiding a boy in your closet, for example… imagine mommy walking into the room… haha. and your heart beating fast cuz ur nervous… there u go… u gave it away. u just told her u were hiding something. it’s obvious. deal with everything… or it will haunt you… like a boy in your closet.

well…. as i have kept your attention thus far… i have something to talk about… and i don’t want just anyone hearing…. not even me really…. if u deserve to hear…. you will.

everything in the world represents things we choose to not see or see. it all depends on how ready we are.

my dad… well. Guyanese man. my mom… Guyanese woman. my experience as a guyanese female has been strange. although i have been through crazy ass times of having to defend myself as a person… an equal being… with equal rights… i am who i am because of where i have been.

guyana. it is not the only thing living in me… because i was born and raised here…. but… i was born, and raised here… with a mom… from guyana. and who is she to me?

well… she is god’s angel. classy, and gorgeous, and loving. strong female. anxiety filled- female. labels and i don’t work well. she can be many things at certain times… but these are the things that stand out… having been present for as long as i have known. her beauty is remarkable. there u go. that alone makes me grateful to be guyanese. i have seen that in me as well… and it’s a gift for being a guyanese female. there are soo many wonderful ladies who are kind and gentle, and loving. the why we were brought up… that is something… every man on this planet dreams of sharing a life with. we are advantageous… when it comes to that.

the men… let’s see. i have not had great experiences with the men… so i am biased. the thing that COULD BE hiding in MY closet… if i let it… of course…. it’s being abandoned by my father… and then molested in the reunion era. my opinion, therefore is guided fiercely into a single direction. am i biased, though? am i not a guyanese woman? every person guyanese or not… has a story. i’m sure many guyanese people have crazy stories, just as everyone else in the world. not always though.

having been blessed with the first upbringings of a guyanese family… and the hardships… and culture at its best… man… educated and handsome… seeks out female… gorgeous and sweet… and what next? marriage… no questions… no stillness… no seeing the truth… or at least… what is untrue to me now… guyanese man… cheating on wife. sure, why not? having more than one… female… more than one family… sure why not. it could possibly be… and i have come to this conclusion myself… that he has forgotten he is MAN and not just animal.

i don’t know who i am really mad at… the irresponsible guyanese male… or the scared guyanese female.

whatever. my life now… fast forward years of being exposed to abuse or having it stuffed in the closet… what have i learned? being the guyanese female that i am… i have dealt with anxiety. not exactly sure if it’s just me and the the ones i deal with… but don’t a lot of guyanese females have crazy ass anxiety? old ladies who are scared of so much shit… the unknown… like it’s a bad thing. lol. maybe it’s the years of being treated like doormats/ prostitutes/ and maids… to the fucking males they dealt with. as that is the past… for me at least… maybe the anxiety is the problem. in order for this crazy spiral to continue to move upwards in the form of progression, maybe we need to let go of the anxiety.

i understand that dysfunction lies in every culture. does ours lie in the dynamics between males and females, and the confusion that it brings? i think so. that’s what we deal with…. the females who are lucky enough to live in new york…. in guyana they have not yet been posed with this task… unfortunately.

i have been to guyana… and only then did i realize how much i have evolved as opposed to the guyanese females in guyana. i’m sure there are smart ones…. cuz everyone is smart… if u feel that you are. how many though are told that it’s ok to express themselves. guyanese women in guyana…. they don’t have a voice…. and me… my mouth is pretty darn big… in comparison. women are supported here… so much more. i am lucky to be living in new york… or to have been raised here at least. otherwise, i may not have been given this opportunity to be who i am… i’d be voiceless with the notion that it’s absolutely fine… and that would’ve been sad… for me at least.

proud new yorker yes… but also being the guyanese female that i am….

i am graceful. i am extremely attractive. i carry with me humbleness with splashes of pride. i am extremely in good shape with a kick ass body frame… and a good whine… lol. i have beautiful thick hair. round bright eyes, and gentleness… simply because i am a guyanese woman. (and some even know how to cook awesome healthy food…)

all individual experiences… can be altered and viewed differently… because everyone has a different story. but these qualities…. they are in many.

my particular guyanese experience… within it was a fight against the irresponsible guyanese men… that are generally pretty fucking weak… if u ask me. the females really got the better end of the deal. big up to my beautiful and cultured ladies. if your not appreciated by the guyanese man… cuz he wants to sit around and be fed…. don’t be a cunt… and stay… for wherever your anxiety is allowing you to pardon. be happy. allow yourself happiness.

if your a male… make sure u appreciate the sweetness of guyana’s ripe fruits…. cuz years from now… if u have a big belly and become bald… it’s that wife… that will still love ur ass. haha. and if u find one that is true to her lady-like instincts, she will make you very happy… and look good doing it…. and appreciate her ride.

there u go. my perspective.

so… denouncing my guyanese ties would be foolish… embracing them could be detrimental… i remain in the middle somewhere… where i have found it to be safe, and comfortable. where do u stand?

what’s your story?

Carmen

Written by Carmen · Filed Under All, Health    

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